Hello all, near and far, all dear to me.
I write to you to let you in on a big and very exciting change that is happening in my life. One of the reasons that I have been so out of touch this past year (but more specifically this past six months) is there have been lotzz and lotz of processing going on in this brain. To cut right to the chase, I will be having top surgery in two days (!!), which means surgery to change my female chest to a male chest. I am beyond excited. This is something that, since I was a little kid swimming at the pool, I knew I wanted. But the brain works in mysterious ways, and only this summer was I able to really come to terms with the fact that this was something I could do.
I will also begin to take hormones (testosterone) in the next couple of months. This means that my body will slowly start to appear more “male” and less female. This is another thing that my body has always wanted, but my brain only got let in on the secret a couple of months ago. I can’t even tell you what a quiet relief this is for me—it’s like setting down a huge weight I didn’t even know I’ve been carrying for quite some time. Well—I will be setting it down. Right now, I’m still in the scared-sh*tless phase of the transition—the unknown, the doubt, the fear. Coming out as trans is quite different than coming out as gay. It's a LOT scarier, a lot more unknown.
I am very lucky to have a very supportive family and an incredibly supportive partner. There have been (and continue to be) some notable rough spots in the “coming out” process—it’s a complicated thing!! And people feel pretty complicated about it!!—but for the most part, I just can’t stop feeling how lucky I am. I will be changing my name to Lee—my parents named me an “L” name, and I’ve gotten quite used to that sound. My full name, instead of Lillie Elizabeth Scheffey, will be Lee Briggs Scheffey. I was originally named after my great-great-grandmother, Lillie Briggs Morehead, and it was my brilliant mama’s idea to use her middle name as my new middle name, as our first names won’t be the same anymore. So my name will be a beautiful mix of my papa’s side, my mama's side, a little bit of old and a little bit of new.
As for what I “identify” as, that is still progressing. Do I feel like a woman? No, not quite. Do I feel like a man? Not quite that, either. I know I want to be my girlfriend’s partner, my sister’s sibling, my parents’ kid and little one, and my kids-to-be’s papa, but I’m not really sure yet. We’re just playing it by ear at this point : ) I’m not gonna be offended at ALL with slip-ups, cause I totally haven’t figured this all out yet, so just check in every once in a while! I’ve told my family that I’ll be switching to Lee pretty soon, so they can start calling me that now, or they can stick with Lillie for a bit, whatever feels good. "Lil" is also totally fine with me, as it feels pretty non-gendered for me and instead just a name I've always been called by folks who love me, and that's not changing : ) I’ve started signing my emails to random people who don’t know me as Lee, just to get used to it (like some craigslist guy selling these gorgeous natural edge pine boards that I wanted… he didn’t email me back, but whatevs).
Artie, my little pup, has told me that he really couldn’t care less about the whole process, that he’s still gonna be calling me mama no matter what my body looks like, but when I press him for more specifics, he tells me not to worry, that it’s gonna be hard for a little while, and then things will mellow out into the everyday. Except I’m gonna get to mow the lawn with my SHIRT OFF!!!! And go SWIMMINGGGGG in just my cut-offs!!!!! Quite literally a dream-come-true.
Feel free to send me an email (email@example.com), message me on facebook, or not, whatever feels best and most comfortable for you. If you have any questions, you can definitely email me them, too. And be thinking of me on Wednesday at 7:30am, when I get my surgery!
Thank you all for all of your love and support, and just your glorious selves, being a part of my life for all of these years. I am so lucky to have you all in my life.
With all my love,L